On being alive, alive, alive

Sometimes during days when my chronic pain has a flare up, I think about how my body is just trying its best to keep me going under the odd circumstances of having a chronic illness. During painful, sleepless nights, I notice that there is so much life around me, as if the silence made it all more evident. In these moments of quiet observation, I am so happy to be alive, despite the pain, and I am grateful for having survived so much of it.

This realization makes me want to keep trying, to keep going despite the pain, the illness, the stress, the uncertainty.

Nothing is ever guaranteed in life and there is so very little I can control, and after a lot of grief I am finally starting to feel like I can let go and just… be. How can I hate this body, hate this life and hate this world when my body is doing what it can to keep itself alive given its circumstances there are people who love me, when I have my dogs, when there is always a possibility of going out in the sun and seeing the endless sky and if I travel far enough, I can see the sunset on the horizon blending into the ocean. Life has a lot of suffering in it, but there is still poetry and music and dancing.

There are beaches and rivers and people who want to help others no matter what it costs. And I know that because I care. I care about the person reading this, and I hope if you’re trying to find your purpose in life then maybe you should consider just living it to best of your abilities. There was once a time I didn’t want to be in this world, but I managed to go on and realize how much I truly wanted to live, that I just needed to feel more connected to the world, to myself, to others. And it’s not an easy thing to find purpose in your life after so much suffering.

But maybe feeling content is a matter of doing what you can to live your life in the way you can, to find joy in the little things, to find ways to live in the present and to feel connected, loved, and deserving of good things, not because you’ve suffered enough, but despite that suffering. you’ve a person, and like everyone else, you’re figuring life as you go.

If we find a way to come to grips with the fact that suffering is a part of life, but not the whole of it, maybe slowly we can feel less like life is a daunting thing, and notice how it’s a marvel to be in this world, to be alive. Here I am, writing this knowing there is a chance someone far away might read this and that for the briefest moment we are connected by this, however briefly, and that too is a marvelous thing. Thank you for being here, on this planet, at the same moment as me. I’m glad you’re alive. I hope you keep going. I’m trying as well.

And whenever things get rough, I hope that what I wrote here helps you remember that life is indeed worth living just because you’re alive and you get to wonder and wander and experience more than the pain you’re currently feeling. There is a world out there, and a world inside you, and I hope you embrace both without any shame. And who knows what beautiful things my flourish if you allow yourself that.